Grief and Loss

4:44 PM Jackie Mart 0 Comments

Death seems to be looming around alot lately. A bunch of my coworkers and friends have lost a loved one the past few weeks. When I was home in Iowa for Easter I visited my grandma and grandpa's graves and Opal, my 99-year-old "adopted grandma," in the nursing home. It made me think alot about life and the losses we as human beings encounter.

I have been reading a book about loss and am realizing I have always been told not to feel the way I feel. I got yelled at for slamming my bedroom door when I was angry. Put down for being loud when I was excited, or was told to "get over it" when I was sad and lonely, or, "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!!" We are not allowed very many days off after a death to grieve and are expected to "move on" as quick as possible with our lives. We live in a "fix-it" society, where people think the way to help is to make us feel feelings other than the ones we are actually experiencing. Mistakenly, many people will attempt to offer positive or even cheery words during times of suffering. What you need instead are friends who can stand alongside you, with patience, while your feelings of sorrow run their course. Feeling cannot be "fixed," as if they were a torn patchwork quilt in need of a needle and thread. Like a musty blanket, feelings require sunlight day after day, until the fresh air has finally cleared the dampness away.

In reality, we need to take time to allow the grief to settle in, and FEEL the feelings we have!!! So many times me stuff, hide, and bury our emotions inside instead of taking the time to deal with them when they occur! I know I have a hard time dealing with my feelings and emotions as an adult because of what I was taught as a child. I tend to keep insanely busy in order to avoid my feelings. Losses can include: death of a loved one, losing a job, house, money, divorce, pets, and etc.

I am still grieving and feeling the effects of my divorce which was the death of an 8 year relationship. It is normal to go through these stages with any type of loss:

Five Stages Of Grief

1. Denial and Isolation
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.

2. Anger
The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.

3.Bargaining
Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"

4.Depression
The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.

5.Acceptance
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

Physical expressions can also accompany an experience of loss such as: anxiety, aches and pains, changes in appetite and sleep patterns.